TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically noted for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed with the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A few of the very best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely away from place. Made by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable drinking water. But Certainly, certain, let us have Yet another area where American Adult males can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations unsuccessful beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: present All people a collection around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly delicate power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he really should quit employing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the undertaking, replied, "You recognize, male, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit on the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the lodge's landscaping forms a giant Trump head visible from Place, a function staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents along with the chin is… well, classified.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after acquiring the creating's gold plating reflected a great deal of daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not merely unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Confusing Capabilities


Probably the strangest Trump Tower Damascus component in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium in which visitors may well ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with local weather control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are Uncertain what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Technique: "If You Bomb It, They may Occur"


The advertisement marketing campaign, recently leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Forever."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "the place's the closest elevator to your West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is presently attracting notice from Global investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll buy three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage will also include:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait around to see a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort in which my PTSD may have flip-down assistance."


Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian basically questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to build a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Remaining Ideas within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed such as Constitution. I gave everything 3. You are welcome."

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